What is the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach?

Oh, yeah, it's jealousy.

OMG. Seriously. I'm about to write an actual coherent post on LOMB, but I had to get this out first.

Dear John,

I am so grossed out with myself right now. Let's see if I can describe this concretely, like I was trained so well in poetry class to do.

It started in my stomach. Butterflies isn't right, and it's also cliche. And "nervous" isn't concrete. But everyone knows what nervous feels like, right?

Well it started as nerves, in the outer film of my stomach, but seeped deep and rose high to my throat really fast. Except once it was in my throat, it sort of felt feverish. My eyes blurred a little bit, and I got a mini-chill.

I wanted to throw my laptop at the wall. But instead of moving the offending thing from my eyes, I kept clicking through - looking at picture after picture.

I'm talking about Facebook stalking, of course. Of you. On a "semi-formal" sort-of-maybe date. With another girl.

Well, duh, of course it would be another girl. And technically - technically!! - this is a-okay. Perfectly acceptable. Definitely encourageable, actually! I, of course, tried to rationally tell one of my other girlfriends this when she was apalled at her ex's Facebook pictures with other girls. "It's his right! You broke up with him!" I told her in a text message. She did not text me back. I wonder why.

Because she had this god-awful feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Because even though she (we, totally we, especially me) - because we're hott and girls and selfish humans and OH SO WORTH IT - are allowed to date, flirt, and otherwise online stalk other boys...our exes are SO not.

Because even though I traveled to Philly for a sleepover date, made out sloppily with a hottie mchotterson in public on Halloween, was surprised I didn't get a kiss at the end of my date last night, and am actively flirting with like 20389471 different guys, YOU, of course, are not allowed to do any of these things.

Because even though YOU broke up with ME, you obviously must be pining away over me. On the other side of the country. Like an a-sexual being. Because any woman after me is just a mere girl. Or something.

Well this is just silly. Because I am a 21st Century woman. And I love you (in all definitions of the word). And I am above all these games (sort of). I am mature with high, but realistic expectations about our "future" and our "relationship." We're on the freakin opposite sides of the country, for cryin' out loud, and we're human.

So I won't point out that she's not that cute (well, actually, she's adorable, but I could make up stuff I don't like her if I wanted to). I won't point out that we had a fantastically away-message leaving conversation over the weekend (barf). I won't point out that you broke up with me because you didn't know how you felt about relationships.

(Oops.) Instead, I'll blame it on Facebook, and how I jump all over conclusions and get all upset for absolutely no reason.

And I'll take back my thought process I had last time I was dancing with a cute boy. Because we had mutual friends there, and those mutual friends were taking pictures. Of me. Being dipped. By said cute boy. Tons of fun! And I thought, "I hope they put this on Facebook. And I hope Dear John gets jealous."

I take back that thought process because I really don't hope that. Jealousy is rare for me, and now I know why it's a deadly sin. It feels horrible. I wouldn't wish this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach on my worst enemy (my poetry teacher would be really annoyed with how many cliches I've stuck in here). And you're not my worst enemy. Far from it.

Much love,
Heart

(I just wish I did know what you are. Not that it should matter. Just like not that I should feel jealous. Should, should, should. Blah.)

Wellp

Dear John,

Now we talk all the time. On AIM, of course, which is not my favorite serious conversation communication channel, but I'll use it. To talk to you, probably mostly.

It's nice to know you didn't want to cut me out of your life. But now it's harder for me to know what to do.

I still think you're probably going to be an eternal bachelor of the rogue musician/philosopher/mystic/Brahman sort (I could imagine you as any of those, really). (And, I mean all of those as a compliment.)

Now I know you don't believe in relationships. Or, you don't understand why they are what everyone kind of strives for. I don't really know why either, but I know I do want one (I think). And I believe that if everyone is essentially looking for love - generally, it's the monogamous relationship kind - then relationships must essentially be good.

So, the point is, if you ever feel like having a best friend+lover (my personal definition of a relationship), with or without a culturally-prescribed definition, you know where to find me. I - in perfectly stupid girl fashion - would probably drop everything to get to spend time with you.

Love,
Heart

Sensitive Boys ... by Island Girl

Island Girl is one of my best friends from high school and we've been lucky enough to remain close and at the same college. I love her! You should love her too:

Call it a tragedy, but I always fall for sensitive boys. They tell me their feelings and we frolic in the land of emotion together. Eww. It's disgusting, and sadly I think I've subconsciously programmed myself to hone in on these boys.

It makes sense though. Women were created to be nurturers; we are loving and caring creatures. Attentive to the problems of the weary and the sad in spirit. Call me a Suzie Sunshine, but I love making people happy, cheering up their day, and putting a smile on their face.

Sensitive nice guys love this about women like myself and whether or not they know it, they enjoy it selfishly. I can't generalize, but most sensitive guys I've come across are only concerned about one thing- using you as an outlet to express their problems and feelings.

Obviously they can't express their feelings to their bros because that'd be emasculating, so they come running to the Suzie Sunshine in their life, pull up a chair, bring the tissues and dish.

I asked one of my good girl friends why she thought I was attracted to these kind of guys and why they were to me.

"You're a problem solver. You like to fix things. Guys come to you with their problems, you listen and offer advice."

ah-ha! So, those sensitive guys fill my need to be needed and I fill their need to be listened to. It seems so simple and black and white, but feelings always get involved and mix things up.

Prime example:

I had developed a friendship/relationship with this guy and we became pretty close. Our friendship developed during a time when he was having a hard time with his emotionally void girlfriend and I provided an outlet for his emotional needs.

This was the perfect situation for a Suzie Sunshine like me: This boy needed me! I loved being able to be there for him. Needless to say, I fell hard for this boy.

This went on for three months; then, nothing.

He broke up with his girlfriend, which I coached him through (ugh, so pathetic, I know), and all of a sudden, he didn't need me anymore.

humph.

Being the emotionally eager individual I am, I didn't realize his selfish demeanor until he IM'ed me last night

emotionally needy boy: we never talk anymore :(

(a month and a half since we've talked)

We talked about HIS day, how HE was doing, how stressful school was going for Him, etc. Common theme: All we talked about was him. Honestly, not once in an hour and a half did he ask a single question about me.

I'm not mad at him, or the situation. I just think its funny and maybe a little eye opening. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he was intentionally being selfish, but I certainly don't want to play these games anymore, it's too emotionally frustrating.

I love forming emotional connections with the opposite sex, but it comes with dangerous territory.

My problem now is this: how do I emotionally connect with a guy in a way that doesn't drag me down or better yet, how do I stop emotionally investing in someone who won't invest back?

An interesting follow-up

I'm currently researching the effects of new media (the internet? blogs? i'm not sure how specific to get yet) on politics (partisanship? bias? again...the specifics have as yet alluded me).

While reading this article, based on a speech from a democracy conference in 2000, I came across this paragraph:

Now, the new technology allows us to talk to people all across the world. But as far as I can make out, our problem is, we don’t know how to talk to our neighbors. We look to Bosnia, we look to Africa, yet we can’t talk to each other. People can’t talk to their wives and husbands and children. Yet we are celebrating that we can now talk to strangers across the world. The democracies we have in small nations are not working very well yet wse hope to have a global democracy because of the new technology?

Generally, I've learned how to talk to my roommates, am working on my friends and family, and am in the middle of changing how I talk to potential dates.

And here I am, naively blogging, I think opening my audience to the whole world. Who am I kidding?

Pheromones

I think they're stronger than we assume.

I read this fantastic article that my friend drew my attention to (Oh she knows my interests so well!). It had a lot to say about how science, genetics, carnal instinct, and dating culture all inter-relate.

Why do we like kissing? Because saliva helps us sense the best DNA to mingle our own with.

How do men become subconsciously more attracted to fertile, ovulating women? It's in our scent.

There must be some hormone I released once I was more single than usual lately (it's a long story about stupid boys who are stupidly far away and me being smart and sticking up for myself). After this bit of heartache, I wanted to take a break from boys, I really did. One of my informal New Year's resolutions was to put less emphasis on boys (including just flirting for flirting's sake and especially ESPECIALLY to not date another boy at JMU. They're just too lame).

But like I predicted, that resolution lasted for oh, about fifteen seconds. Not my fault!! Out of nowhere, boys - both old and new - came to bug me. (Who am I kidding? I love it.)

A guy I met at a bar over winter break invited me to come back up to DC for his birthday party.

Another (mmm...military) guy I met at a club like nine months ago IM-ed me out of nowhere. For some reason I have a special place in my heart for boys in Maryland.

One of my former hall mates, who I've always had an attraction to, revved up the flirting last week. (But apparently he's been revving with several girls recently.)

Last weekend I ran into a guy I dated sophomore year for a bit. He looked seriously good. And he said all the right things. And I questioned why I didn't hold onto him a little bit tighter back in the day.

And then tonight, I heard from some boy I met on the metro a couple summers ago. Random, not too flirty, but then he never was too obviously flirty. He invited me to do a stop-by visit if I was ever in DC.

Did they smell my pheromones - even though most of them are at least 100 miles away? Could they subconsciously tell I was trying to give up on them? Are they a distraction from my goal; a temptation to give it all up? Or are they a reminder that it's futile to stop caring about having a boy in my vicinity? It's our evolutionary goal in life, after all, to find a mate whose DNA will mix with ours to create the perfect offspring.

Maryland is calling my name. Not quite sure why. (Well, okay, perhaps it is because he came to visit. Him and some friends drove down to meet some friends and come to my roommate's birthday party. When I invited them, I had no idea they would actually come. But I am extremely glad they did; I had an amazingly fun time thankyouverymuch.) My friends and parents tell me I only like unavailable men. I suppose this includes the geographically unavailable. Of course he would - out of all the long-distance guys I could potentially date - have the strictest visiting schedule. But considering I refuse to date JMU guys the remainder of my time here, what other choice do I have but to travel?

Like I have commented on before, the military just trains good daters anyway. He is legitimately more respectful and attentive from 150 miles away than maybe any other guy has treated me.

Buttttt if I do hang out with the JMU guys who have reappeared, it doesn't count as breaking my resolution right? Since I have already dated them?

Eesh. Maybe I should go back to rejecting all boys.

Ha, yeah right. That time carnal instinct let that thought last only five seconds...

This is Why I'm Commitment-Phobic

I was about to climb the stairs to my apartment when his beauty stopped me in my tracks. Though usually suspect to the types who hang around late at night in my neighborhood, the way he strutted over to me made me curious. Somehow we started chatting, and the chemistry between us was obvious.

Before I knew it, we were sitting on my front steps, and the night was speeding by. Obviously a bad boy, he seemed nervous whenever a car sped by and ran over the bottle that was littering the street. He shifted his gaze from me to check his surrounding every time the tires on plastic popped and rattled.

Our arms and bodies kept accidentally brushing, and I knew I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself - I broke down and let him lie on my lap. But then I realized the time and had to leave him on my stoop, looking at me with big, sad eyes, asking to come up. But I wouldn't cross that line.

He had mentioned that he was hungry, so back in my apartment feeling guilty leaving those eyes, I got out the milk to bring down to him for a midnight thought. Like I hoped, he was still on the stoop. So we nuzzled some more while he drank his milk, and I promised to bring him breakfast the next morning, if he was still around.

I knew at that point I was in love, but would be hurt by this ruggedly handsome renegade. The final line I didn't want to let myself cross - the point of no return - would be naming him. I told myself not to do it, but I did anyway. His name is Havemeyer.

Unless he's really a girl, then her name is Marcy.

What? He was too contentedly purring away in my lap to bother him by rolling him over to check! I couldn't do that to my beloved found cat Havemeyer, who no, I have not seen since that fateful night.

And I am totally in withdrawal. I miss my baby kitty. As soon as I commit - he is gone from my life. I should have dismissed him from the beginning without letting feelings get caught up in it. I knew it would be too much to ask from someone else's outdoor cat to come back and visit me every day, no matter how much milk I gave him.

A totally unplanned post...stream of consciousness? Eek!

I'm dying to write about something. Anything to keep it up and improve my like totally mad skills. But I have nothing relevant dating-wise.

For once in my life, here in the place where there are probably the most diverse, most forward, most plentiful amount of men/boys, I am not concentrated on them at all. I am already stuck in a rut, assuming that all the attractive ones are gay. Or taken. I am surprised at the number of couples I see roaming this city.

My friends have been comparing me to Carrie from Sex and the City a lot lately - holy crap am I flattered - but I just don't know how it is possible. Albeit, it was a TV show, a piece of fantasy, but she just so easily found eligible bachelors around every corner.

The ticket I need to find eligible bachelors? A fake ID. I can't get into bars. No where here has an 18+ night. But everywhere has an intern special night. What interns are over 21 anyway? Already graduated ones? Lame. One month to go and I loathe my under-21 status more than ever in my life. Even though the majority of guys who (creepily) hit on me must be at least 35.

Though I did get a nice/non-creepy comment today. I was in Duane Read, searching for some contact solution that has evaded me on every other shopping trip.

"Excuse me, miss?" he said. "I like your hair. Very pretty."

Maybe he's figured out the secret to non-catcall-sounding commentary. Pick what is attractive, and be specific. As long as it isn't a body part that has been given a crude nick-name or two (yeah, sorry boys, I know this leaves you with very few options).

Anyway, to continue with the randomness, I've been thinking about the ex a lot recently. (Please notice, if you click through, that those posts were from just about two years ago. Yeah. That's why it's so lame that I've been thinking about him so much lately.)

We only chat twice a year on each other's birthdays that so conveniently fall six months apart; another reason why I cannot wait for mine to come. I wonder if he's having commitment-phobia issues too because of me or not. Dare I bring up these touchy subjects? One of my best gfs (who somehow has been "in love" twice - actually, now that I come to think of it, my younger sister has too. What gives? Once has already been too much for me. ANYWAY!) says that because I'm still thinking/pondering/worrying/wondering about him means we're "meant to be." And that I must contact him as soon as possible. I'm not sure if his current girlfriend would much appreciate that. Or that he would either, considering that it is almost his turn to be the contact-er, not the contact-ee.

Or maybe I'm just feeling like a victim of mild loneliness in this big, bad, fabulous, amazing city.

'Make Another Apple Pie!' OR Why Boys are Confusing

Spring has sprung. I can tell, not just because of the baby doll dresses, puppies and Frisbees on the quad, but also because of the abundance of cute couples.

I was walking back from a dance concert last weekend with two guy friends (and residents. I’m an RA, so no one is allowed to be more than a friend anyway who lives in my dorm) and we passed at least four couples in a row. We didn’t see a single single person, but we did literally see eight people holding hands (not all together of course) in a row.

Obviously, I’m a hopeless romantic and generally go “aww” (either out loud or in my head, depending on the situation) when I see one of these intertwined beings. But seeing four couples in a row – that’s just pushing it.

And it’s not just a lame girl thing, either. The boys noticed it too, and brought it up before I did! “What’s up with all these couples?”

My good friend and former roommate had bluff. During the winter, these couples are hiding away, snuggling in blankets by fires. But now that it is warmer, they have come out to frolic!

How fabulous for the rest of us.

There’s a whole other side spring, though too. I remember two springs in a row, when I started to feel very itchy in my relationship. Boys generally somehow become more attractive in the spring, and both times I felt ready to break things off for no other reason than to date more people!

Last year, a friend and all the girls in her house who were in relationships broke up with or got broken up with in March. This year, she says, it's the same.

John Mayer’s (perfect boyfriend material by the way…stupid Jessica Simpson) song “St. Patrick’s Day” chronicles the love found in every holiday every month November through March. The kicker line, though, is “And we’ll both be safe ‘til St. Patrick’s Day.”

Clearly no one is safe any more – no matter what shield we may try to use!

D-hall Dinner Date was actually the first boy I’ve dated in a long time that I was actually interested in (sad, I know, but come on, there are only 40% at my school. And dating lame boys is more fun than not dating at all). Everything seemed to be going smoothly, and I was constantly humming John Mayer’s “City Love” or Ciara’s “C.R.U.S.H.” in my head.

There was no defining moment – I can’t blame it St. Patrick’s Day unfortunately – but things started to cool way down recently. I couldn’t figure out what happened, and he kept alternating between treating me like girlfriend and a friend who’s a girl. So I made a bold move, asking him as bluntly as possible (without sounding like a whiny second grader asking to check “yes” or “no”) whether or not he liked liked me. With a fairly obvious rejection, I mourned for a day for the relationship that would never get to bloom, and then got excited to move on (and be able to better focus on school work and the blog obviously).

Not two days later, he began to warm back up again: leaving me IMs, calling me (I couldn’t answer and didn’t return his call) and insisting I save for him a slice of apple pie that I had been making for my residents.

I had really tried to go into this hint of a relationship as sincerely as possible, with my clearest communication skills. And then I was shot down. And then I was picked back up, sort of. So I’m convinced he’s dating like five girls at the same time, he thinks I just make like, you know, a really cool friend, or he wants me to play hard-to-get.

Fine, D3, I’ll play your little game. After all, I now have the option of either being in a frolicking couple or noticing all the newly-single cute boys on campus – because it’s spring!