Wellp

Dear John,

Now we talk all the time. On AIM, of course, which is not my favorite serious conversation communication channel, but I'll use it. To talk to you, probably mostly.

It's nice to know you didn't want to cut me out of your life. But now it's harder for me to know what to do.

I still think you're probably going to be an eternal bachelor of the rogue musician/philosopher/mystic/Brahman sort (I could imagine you as any of those, really). (And, I mean all of those as a compliment.)

Now I know you don't believe in relationships. Or, you don't understand why they are what everyone kind of strives for. I don't really know why either, but I know I do want one (I think). And I believe that if everyone is essentially looking for love - generally, it's the monogamous relationship kind - then relationships must essentially be good.

So, the point is, if you ever feel like having a best friend+lover (my personal definition of a relationship), with or without a culturally-prescribed definition, you know where to find me. I - in perfectly stupid girl fashion - would probably drop everything to get to spend time with you.

Love,
Heart

The Female Dog

Why do guys love bitches so much?

It seems counter-intuitive. No one likes a bitch. Except maybe other bitchy girls, because then they have someone else to bitch to and to bitch about. But the more I think about it, the more I realize guys really like those whiny, mean, jerk-face type of girls.

I remember very clearly an example from high school. It was summer time; we lived at the pool. One of my friends and I decided we should match up a third friend with this one guy we always saw at the pool (to this day this same friend is an obsessive match-maker). He had told me he was looking for a girl; she is such a sweetheart. Perfect match, right? Okay, we were young, whatever.

So four of us headed to the pool to meet him and his friends: the matchmaker and I, the match-ee, and our fourth friend. Now this fourth girl I love to DEATH - of course - but she, well, on multiple occasions she has cussed out or physically hit a guy who had been dating one of her friends (yup, happened to me. He probably deserved it). She doesn't exactly have a friendly, optimistic view about boys, to put it lightly.

Everything went well. We played a little water basketball, ordered a little pizza and did some chatting. Match-ee was her vaguely shy, adorable and flirtatious self. Non-friendly aggressively attacked the boys for um, being too aggressive with the basketball. And constantly made fun of them. But we all had a great time goofing around.

At the end of the day, the boy asked me about non-friendly! Poor little match-ee, with her cute smile and innocent actions, got left in the dust. He didn't even look twice at her. What the heck went wrong? Should she have been more, well, bitchy?

More recently, this guy has been pursuing my sister. Okay, like I'm totally surprised, she's a hottie, whatever. But this is her ex-boyfriend. She's broken up with him like three times already. Just yesterday he came over and their date activity of choice was...arguing. She was the one with the most curse words, the loudest voice, and the most blaming tone. She's a genius at that old stand-by: passive-aggressiveness. She came into the room where I was job-searching and very articulately said, "Someone won't leave. Even though I've told him to several times." And yet, today, he's still calling her. Begging for her to take him back. Promising that he'll do better. Better at what? The only thing he's guilty of is loving a bitch.

Today I had lunch with a friend who was just broken up with. She helped him write papers. She always hung out with his friends. She sat on the couch bored while he played video games. She was understanding when one of his exes kept texting him until four in the morning, looking for a hookup. And then he broke up with her because he "wasn't ready for a relationship." He didn't have to do anything, give up anything or even remotely try in this "relationship." She is the most loving and caring person I know - what if she had been more of a demanding bitch?

Watching various TV shows and movies, all I see are bitchy women. And of course the next scene features their boyfriends and husbands who complain about their nagging, demands, complaining, and all-around bitchiness. I decided long ago - after keeping a close eye on other couples, including my parents, and other fake media portrayals of couples - that a relationship has a greater chance for survival and true happiness the less the woman bitches.

But if men are truly more attracted to bitches, as they seem to be, do I have to become the bitch that no man wants but every one pursues? Is this connected to how boys only like the chase? How girls always want a bad boy?

So many relationship questions, so little time in my last end-of-semester break ever....

And Once Again I Prove That Awkward = My Life

First, I had to use the dread line:

"I like you...as a FRIEND."

Eesh, it even hurt my own ears as it came out of my mouth.

And as we continued to have a really awkward discussion (the awkwardness heightened by the fact that English is the poor guy's second language), I realized that this is why no one honestly communicates about relationships. It made me so glad that I have never told a boy, "but hey! I like you!" and then had to make him awkwardly explain that, you know, chemistry is either there or it isn't, you know? And like, I think you're really sweet and all, but it's just not...there?

Second, I went on a sorta-date with a guy who's age...I could not...quite...peg. He was definitely too old for me. But, he's from DC, so we had a lot to talk about, he did pay, and although he was quite fake with his interest in anything I had to say and his hair spiked up to hide what I suspect may be a bit of premature balding, it was fine, and less sketchy than I thought it would be.

I've been realizing more and more lately that lowering my standards because my "dating lame guys is more fun than not dating anyone" mantra is not so satisfying any more. The only two boys I vaguely find myself interested in (in my mind mostly) are D3 and the Ex.

And - drum roll! - D3 IM-ed me tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A snipit, to show how lamely excited I am to the point that it deserves all those exclamation points:

D3: heyyyy
Me: hiii! how are ya?
D3: good, i miss you! When are you coming back?

At this point, I flopped backward on my bed and let a huge grin take over my face. Seriously, am I 14 or what?

Do notice the four Y's he used. And the jumping to the "I miss you" point (which is a very good point if I do say so myself). And this is why girls are lame.

Why my life is the exact opposite of Pink's "U+Ur Hand"

It's a catchy song. I even know a dance to it. You can find me attempting to belt the lyrics, but only in the privacy of my car with the volume knob cranked to the right.

On the other hand, it is awfully crass, and I generally don't approve of the use of "u" in place of "you," even when it saves space in a text. Plus, Pink is being awfully harsh to these boys! Other reasons why my life is the complete opposite of "U+Ur Hand:"

Check it out
Going out
On the late night
Looking tight
Feeling nice
It's a **** fight
I can tell
I just know
That it's going down
Tonight
At the door we don't wait cause we know them
At the bar six shots just beginning
That's when dick head put his hands on me
But you see

• Umm...we don't know them. Last time my girlfriends and I went into DC, we totally lucked out because we got valet parked right in front of the building and although it was raining, we got a spot in line underneath the awning. One of the bouncers asked us, "Are you on the guest list?" Uhh..no. How do you get on the guest list you ask? You sign up online. Fabulous. We really must do our sophisticated research.
• Six shots? Really, Pink, isn't that a little much? Anyway, I'm the last of my friends to turn 21.
  

Midnight
I'm drunk
I don't give a ***k
Wanna dance
By myself
Guess you're outta luck
Don't touch
Back up
I'm not the one
Buh bye
Listen up it's just not happening
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight
Aiight

• Please see age requirements, above.
• I do not mind for one second dancing by myself. In fact, I can be a lot more creative and have a lot more fun. But, Pink, if you really want to dance by yourself and only yourself, do it in your bedroom. I'm sure you have a fabulously-sized one with your own personal ballet barre and wall mirrors.

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight

• I enjoy entertaining. Is this a bad thing?
• I would not be able to fight anyone or anything. In the middle of my high school graduation season, I got a call from a Marine recruiter. Instead of being ruthless and saying "not interested!" and hanging up as quickly as possible, I had an actual conversation with the guy. I admitted to him that even if somone gave me a gun and told me "you have to shoot this humanoid alien, or else he will kill you," I still don't think I could pull the trigger. It's hard enough for me to pick up a weapon even in a video game! Back in elementary school (I don't know how I remember this!) I had a dream that one of the guys in my class was being mean to me or something. I couldn't push him away. Luckily, my best friend at the time came over and kicked him in the balls for me. But seriously, how lame is that, that I couldn't even hurt a meanie in a dream?
• I may have been fine before you walked into my life, but who said it can't get better? Or be filled with more fun?
• And...that's just awkward. Sorry boys.

Sorry Pink? Does this make me a push-over? Or whatever the opposite of a feminist is? Ah well. I like boys. Just non-creepy clubbing ones, if you please.

The Disease plauging college girls

...And no, it is not an STD.

(even though supposedly JMU surpassed Radford as the Virginia college with the highest STI - isn't that the new, correct term? - rates and two non-JMU-ers would not stop making fun of two of us proud JMU-ers for that last night)

It is an unnamed Disease, one where girls are reduced to the like of tissues, paper plates, standard red drinking cups...pick your own disposable cliche. Although boys are the cause of an original case of the illness, it is highly contagious among women as well - and we all know how close dorm living is.

It is closely related to Competition, commonly found spread among college-aged women too (which I happen to be highly susceptible to), but it is a little different.

Girls generally get it a lot, but it is especially common among college-aged girls, and especially especially JMU girls. Like most liberal arts schools, we have more girls than guys, and our streotype on both ends is really really pretty girls and really really skeevy guys (who all really really like partying really really hard).

Guys want one thing - this is not news to anyone of any generation. But this generation hosts more girls who are willing to give guys only that one thing without demanding anything else. And the rest of us are left without any vague notion of romance in our lives.

If the boys are getting what they want without any effort on their part, what right do we - as self-respecting and self-hoping for some sort of romance/lust/pretending girls - have to demand that boys actually pretend to like us for anything other than our bodies?

So we catch the disease, since the girl down the hall is "dating" some guy, and we want to too - and to be in any sort of competition, we have to give up any expectations. It's okay if we make out and then he doesn't call/IM/say hi in real life for three or four weeks (searching for other options without being tied down) , and then next time he texts its to suggest another make out session. And we say "okay!" because we want to pretend. Pretending is fun and care-free for a while, as long as you are fully aware that you are pretending.

And this disease spreads like wild fire - or the black plauge, or ebola, or mono, again pick your cliche - among hallmates, suitemates, classmates, and friends.

I have had it. I may have it now, I'm not sure (that's another thing about the disease - sometime it masks itself as sexiness or confidence). Can I cure it? Can I help others with it? Duhn duhn duhhhnnn....